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Your first anniversary letter has a strange job. You’re writing it on the last day you’ll feel like a beginner at this, to be opened on a day when you won’t. By your second anniversary, the way you load the dishwasher will be settled law, and you will have forgotten that it was ever a negotiation. Write it down now.
Why a First Anniversary Letter Matters
Year one is the year everything is a first. First holidays with each other’s families, first real fight about money, first time one of you was sick and the other discovered what they’re like as a caregiver. It’s also the year your memory is least reliable about, because it’s so crowded. By year three it compresses into a few highlights and a vague feeling.
Paper is the traditional first-anniversary theme, according to most anniversary gift guides, and where the custom started is murkier than those guides let on. I don’t need a documented origin to enjoy the convenience. A letter is paper, it’s the one gift that gets better the longer it sits in an envelope, and it doesn’t need to be dusted.
This isn’t the same as your vows, which are a promise about the future, or a gift guide, which is about what to buy. It’s a report from inside year one, filed by someone who still remembers what the apartment smelled like on the first night. If you’re working on the promise side, our post on the letter to write before you say your vows is the companion piece.
When to Write It
- On the anniversary itself. Cleanest option. Write it, schedule it for the same date next year, and you’re done in one sitting.
- The week before. Gives you time to think instead of performing for the occasion, and leaves the actual day free for dinner.
- After a hard stretch in year one. If something in the first year was difficult, a letter written close to it is more honest than one written once you’ve smoothed it into a story.
- Late. If your anniversary slipped past, write it anyway and schedule it for the next one. Nobody checks.
What to Include
- One ordinary scene. A Tuesday, not the wedding. What the two of you were doing, what was on, what somebody said. Ordinary details are the first thing to disappear.
- The thing that surprised you. Something about your spouse, or about yourself, that you didn’t know a year ago.
- A small argument you’ve already stopped having. Naming it is the fun part. Next year you’ll either laugh or realize you’re still having it.
- What you were wrong about. Everyone has a theory about marriage going in. Which one didn’t survive?
- What you’re quietly proud of. Not the wedding. Something the two of you handled well that no one else saw.
- A question for year two. Something your future selves can answer, like “Did we ever fix the hallway closet?”
- The practical stuff. What you’re paying for, where you live, what your jobs are. It reads as dull now and fascinating later.
Prompts to Get You Started
- What did we eat the most this year, and is that a problem?
- What’s the first moment this year that felt like we were really married?
- What’s a habit of theirs that annoyed me in month two and that I’d miss now?
- What did I assume about living together that turned out to be wrong?
- What’s the best thing they did this year that they probably don’t know I noticed?
- What’s the song, show, or restaurant that belongs to us now?
- What did we fight about, and what was it really about?
- What are we putting off that I want us to have done by next year?
- What do I want us to be better at?
- If someone asked me today how it’s going, what would I say if I were being honest?
- What do I hope is still true in a year?
If you’re writing by hand, use a pen you like holding. I’m partial to a Lamy Safari for anything longer than a page, because it’s sturdy and forgiving. Any pen you’ll actually finish a letter with beats a nicer one that stays in the drawer.
How HoldMyLetter Makes This Easy
The hard part of a letter to open next year is that the you of next year has to still have it. Letters tucked in a card drawer get moved, lost, or found in March. At Hold My Letter, you pick the date, we hold the sealed letter, and it shows up in the mailbox on the day you chose. It can be delivered anywhere in the US, one month to two years out, so a letter written on your first anniversary lands on your second.
For this occasion I’d pick the Handwritten Future Letter ($19): you write it by hand, mail it to us, and we store it and mail it back on the date you chose. If you’d rather type it tonight, the Digital Future Letter ($9) gets printed, sealed, and mailed the same way. Writing a letter for your spouse to open? It can go to their address instead. There’s no subscription and nothing to renew. Our privacy post covers how custody works, and the short version is that we never open it.
FAQ
Is this a gift for my spouse or a letter to myself?
Either, and they’re different letters. One is a record of how year one felt; the other is a gift. Plenty of couples write one each and swap them on the second anniversary. It can go to your mailbox or theirs.
How far ahead can I schedule it?
Delivery runs from one month to two years out, so writing on your first anniversary and scheduling for your second works. If your anniversary has already passed, aim for the next time it comes around.
Digital or handwritten?
Handwritten ($19) suits an occasion with a paper theme. Digital ($9) is faster. Both end up as a sealed envelope in your mailbox.
What if the first year was hard?
Write that too. A letter that says everything was perfect is hard to believe, even for the person who wrote it. Name what was difficult and what you did about it, and next year you’ll be able to see how far you’ve come.
Do you read the letters?
No. We never open your letter. It stays sealed until the date you chose.
Write the letter. In a year, you’ll be glad somebody remembered what it was like.